Here’s what I learned:
1. I handle breakups like a damn queen.
Well, not a real queen, because if I’ve learned anything from It Ended Badly it’s that vintage royalty got away with super petty acts of violence all the time (See: Game of Thrones style madness).
Reading this book made me realize that, comparatively, when I went through a massive breakup a year ago, I handled it with supreme grace and dignity. Full disclosure: when my British, long-distance boyfriend ended things via FaceTime just several days after we’d spent a month together (including Christmas and New Years) in Chicago, I lost my mind. I cried for weeks, I explained to him in detail all the ways he’d screwed up, I explained to him in detail all the ways in which I was great and he was terrible, I explained to him in detail all the things that were wrong with him, and I maintained a heavy state of drunk, emotional instability for a solid six months. However, compared to the breakup of Lucrezia Borgia and Giovanni Sforza, I rocked my breakup flawlessly.
Instead of leaving her husband like a normal person, Lucrezia tried to kill Giovanni (multiple times), and when that didn’t work, she forced an annulment of the marriage by bullying Giovanni into saying he was infertile (he was not) and that they had never consummated the marriage (they had); furthermore, Lucrezia claimed she was a virgin (she was not) and therefore should be able to annul, all the while Lucrezia was six months pregnant with another man’s child (yeah, she really was not a virgin at all). The best part? Her family was so scary and murder-y and powerful that everyone, everyone in the country, went along with it.
So yeah, I may have been a wreck and emotionally attacked my ex (who, to be fair, ended things like a total jerk), but at least I’m no Lucrezia.
2. Tone is everything.
"The tone [of It Ended Badly]―intimate, whimsical, smart, and silly at once―continues through two millennia of stories of love lost and found... Wright dishes dirt on all of them...with the gleeful irreverence of your wittiest friend recapping a particularly juicy episode of reality television." ―The Boston Globe
I have never enjoyed history. It was always my least favorite subject in school, and to this day I proudly proclaim that I find historical stuff boring. Well, It Ended Badly proved me so, so wrong. The entire book is sarcastic, witty, and hilarious, while maintaining the truth.
Wright explains: “Eleanor never responded because she had blocked Henry’s number … no one could expect her to take an archbishop seriously.”
I continue to laugh out loud at that remark.
In all, want someone to read your boring content? Find a funny tone and make it work.
3. Tell your ex the way it is and handle your breakup however you damn well please.
Read any of the chapters in It Ended Badly and you will never feel ashamed about your actions in a breakup ever again. Seriously. So long as you don’t physically harm someone, you have my permission to experience your full emotions and uncensored actions in the name of heartbreak.
One brief warning: social media is everywhere, so don’t do something crazy enough to go viral and ruin your life.
Actually, do whatever you want. Becoming internet famous for showing up your ex would be pretty badass.
Que Sera Sera.
Have you read It Ended Badly? What did you think? Tell me below.
Alexandra Gerard is a freelance hustler in Chicago; she provides photography, blogging, and social media services. You can find her on instagram: @itsyagrlgerry.